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Guide to Sex with Herpes
By Danny GarrettNovember 27, 2024 18 min readUpdated:November 27, 2024
Herpes and sex aren't always a match made in heaven, but maintaining a fulfilling sex life while dealing with the condition doesn't have to be hellish. Having sex when herpes in present is perfectly possible - it just involves always using protection (even if you're asymptomatic), a lot of honest, open communication with a partner, and sometimes abstaining from sex for a while.
It can also involve deploying methods other than sex to maintain intimacy, including fostering intimacy through non-sexual physical contact, dates, activities, and even seeking professional help. When sex is back on the menu, you may also need to switch your focus to mutual pleasure - ensuring everyone is getting enough of what they want. Luckily, all these things are great for relationships in general.
In this article, we've put together a sex guide for when either you or your partner is dealing with herpes. We've detailed all the best ways to stay safe, how to broach the subject to sexual partners, and how to maintain intimacy in a relationship when herpes is involved.
For anyone who needs to get their facts straight, we've included sections where we go over what herpes is - as well as answering some of the internet's most asked questions about the condition.
At a Glance
- Communication and Honesty: Open, honest conversations about herpes with sexual partners are crucial. Address misconceptions, be clear about safety precautions, and choose the right time to discuss the condition before engaging in sexual activities.
- Protection is Key: Always use condoms and dental dams during sex, even if symptoms aren’t present. These provide a good level of protection but cannot eliminate all risks, particularly if the infected area isn't fully covered.
- Abstinence During Outbreaks: It’s best to avoid sex during any symptoms of herpes (itching, tingling, sores), as the virus is most contagious during this time. Even with protection, the risk of transmission remains high.
- Antiviral Medication: For frequent outbreaks, antiviral medication can help reduce symptoms and prevent flare-ups. Discuss with a doctor whether suppressive therapy or intermittent treatment is suitable.
- Non-Sexual Intimacy: Explore ways to maintain emotional and physical intimacy outside of sex, such as cuddling, holding hands, or engaging in shared activities. This strengthens relationships when sexual contact is off-limits.
Sex with Herpes: Staying Safe
Herpes is very contagious, easily passing from person to person from the earliest signs of an outbreak all the way through to when any sores have fully healed. Even if you aren’t experiencing any symptoms of herpes, you might still be able to pass it to someone – which is why taking safety precautions during sex is so essential. Sex with herpes can be totally safe, but you’ll have to plan around it.
1. Talk About It Honestly
There’s no use beating around the bush, so to speak. It’s always the best idea to let any sexual partners know if you have herpes – the same goes for every sexually transmitted infection (STI). Passing an STI on to someone who doesn't know you have one can have legal repercussions – all the more reason to be open and honest.
Furthermore, planning around herpes is a lot easier when you're honest about the condition. Relationships are built around effective communication, and sex in particular can really benefit from an air of openness and honesty.
Be upfront, and do your best to alleviate any concerns your partner may have.
If a potential sexual partner is unsure, try not to take it personally - unfortunately, there's still a significant stigma surrounding herpes. Luckily, being factual about the condition can help here, even if it means sex is slightly postponed. Be positive, but not pushy.
2. Use Condoms
Herpes spreads through skin-to-skin contact. Condoms, when used during vaginal sex, anal sex, and oral sex, are effective at preventing the spread of genital herpes as they can cover the affected area, blocking any skin-to-skin contact. However, herpes can still spread if the condom you're using doesn't completely cover the affected area.
Additionally, we'd still suggest avoiding sex if you have an itch or a tingle signaling an imminent outbreak, if you're in the middle of an outbreak, or if you have any visible symptoms such as sores or blisters. Condoms are effective, but they're not a magical shield.
3. Use Dental Dams
Dental dams are similar to condoms but instead of being a tube of material, they're generally a thin, flat layer of latex or polyurethane that you use to prevent contact during oral sex. They can't be used as contraception, but they're perfect for preventing the transmission of herpes during oral sex, whether you're performing it on a vagina or anus.
Since they're flat and not tube-shaped, stick to condoms when it comes to oral sex involving penises.
Like with condoms, herpes can still be passed on if the dental dam doesn't completely cover the affected area. Also like with condoms, don't use a dental dam if you have any symptoms - it's not worth it.
4. Talk to Your Doctor About Antiviral Medication
The UK's NHS recommends taking an antiviral medication to treat herpes if you suffer from more than 6 outbreaks a year. If that sounds like your experience with herpes, or even if it doesn't but you still feel like the condition is having a large negative impact on your life, it can be worth talking to a doctor about starting using medication.
Usually, herpes is treated with one of three antiviral medications: aciclovir, famciclovir, and valaciclovir, sold under the brand names Zovirax, Famvir, and Valtrex respectively. The main difference between these effective drugs is the dosage prescribed, and how many pills you take per day - they are all effective.
At first, you'll be given a short course of drugs to relieve symptoms. After this, you'll receive either intermittent treatment, where you're given a course to keep for when you next have an outbreak, or suppressive treatment, where you take pills every day to help prevent outbreaks from occurring.
5. Understand When It’s Better to Abstain From Sexual Activity
Sometimes when you're dealing with herpes, the best course of action is to just not have sex. This period of abstinence doesn't have to be permanent; abstaining from sex until your symptoms subside is generally enough, and is recommended by the World Health Organization. If you have any symptoms, from tingling to open sores, don't have sex at all, even with a condom or dental dam.
And if there's any uncertainty, we wouldn't recommend taking a chance with your sexual health.
The issue is that herpes is just so contagious that it doesn't make sense to risk it, even with protection. One study found that in heterosexual couples where one partner had herpes, in 5 to 10 percent of couples the other partner contracted the virus within one year. It's at its most contagious when you have visible symptoms, but it can still be passed on when no symptoms are present.
If you're not experiencing any symptoms (and we mean any symptoms at all), protection should be enough as long as the affected area is completely covered. If you're experiencing any symptoms, it's best to just wait it out.
How to Talk About Herpes with a Sexual Partner
The prospect of talking about herpes with a sexual partner can be very daunting. If you have herpes, talking about it with sexual partners is going to be a fact of life for you - so it's worth getting used to it. If your partner has herpes, you'll undoubtedly have questions, but you might be hesitant to ask out of fear of hurting feelings.
Whichever side you're on, here are some tips that'll hopefully ease your nerves and help conversations go smoothly:
1. Address Any Fears or Misconceptions
Due to the social stigma surrounding herpes, most people are only really aware of stereotypes associated with the condition. Clearing up any common misconceptions or potential fears (unfounded or otherwise) about having sex with someone with herpes is a great place to start, as in most cases it can help keep the conversation positive.
Listen to any questions or fears your partner may have, and gently correct them if they're misunderstood.
If your partner has herpes and you have questions, it's always worth asking about what's on your mind. Even if your fear is not necessarily a misconception, the reality of the situation is often more positive than what society would have you believe.
2. Honesty is Essential
Honesty is vital regardless of whether you have herpes or your partner has herpes.
If you have herpes, there's no need to lie about anything, especially since you still can have sex with the right precautions. Honesty goes further than just not lying though; be upfront and don't omit any information. If your partner has questions, answer them honestly to the best of your ability, and look the information up if you need to.
Honesty is vital regardless of whether you have herpes or your partner has herpes.
If your partner has herpes, don't hold back on asking questions if you have them. It may seem more polite to avoid asking questions, but if you're unsure about anything we would highly recommend asking all the questions you need. Though treatments help with managing the condition, you can't get rid of herpes once you have it, so it's not worth taking the risk just to spare someone's feelings.
3. Choose the Right Time and Place
While there's not necessarily a single "right" time or place to bring up herpes to a partner, there are certain times and places that are far from ideal. It goes without saying that if you have herpes, you need to tell your partner about it before you have sex - but you don't want to bring it up right before you get down to business. On the other hand, herpes doesn't need to be the very first thing you talk to them about.
We'd suggest bringing it up to a partner after you've spent some time getting to know each other, but obviously before you have sex (or kiss, depending on what kind of herpes you have). A conversation in a private place is the best idea. You can preface the discussion by talking about being open and honest in the relationship, or if the subject of sex comes up earlier, you can segue from safe sex to STIs.
If you're having a one-night stand you'll have to be more upfront about it - there's not really a way around it in that situation. Either way, there's no such thing as a perfect time - just be honest and remain calm.
4. Be Prepared with Facts
If you're in a situation where you're telling a partner about your herpes, they'll likely have a few questions. You won't necessarily be able to predict exactly what they'll ask you, but you'll want to be prepared with the facts about your diagnosis, and about how having herpes affects sex.
It's a good idea to have up-to-date knowledge about any medical issues you have anyway, so it pays to keep facts on hand.
Your partner will probably want to know if they can have sex with you without catching herpes, so be ready to reassure them about how you can't have sex whenever you want, but certain conditions make it safe. You can tell them that if you follow the right safety precautions, they have nothing to worry about. They might also ask general questions about herpes regarding what it actually is and how it passes on, so prepare to answer these too.
5. Listen and Encourage Questions
Listening to any concerns your partner has about herpes is vital - it shows you respect them enough to hear them out and that you're willing to discuss such an intimate aspect of your life. You should listen patiently to whatever it is they have to say, even if they have misconceptions. Try not to take anything personally, and don't interrupt to correct them - you can always let them know the facts once they've finished.
Furthermore, encouraging them to ask questions can be very reassuring as it tells your partner that you know what they're talking about. This can help put their worries to rest and can help build trust between you. Just showing you're ready to answer any questions they have shows you care about them and what they have to say.
6. Set Boundaries Together
While the boundaries to sex can seem obvious once everyone has their facts straight about herpes, it can help to put them into words. Doing so helps really hammer them home and guarantee you and your partner are both on the exact same page, which is vital in ensuring you don't pass the condition on.
These boundaries can be as simple or complex as you like; the more complex they are though, the more it might help to write them down somewhere.
A good example of a simple sexual boundary is "we will not have sex when you have any symptoms of herpes". If you need to go into more detail that's fine - you need to both understand what the boundaries mean.
7. Offer Reassurance
Offering reassurance is super important on both sides of the equation. If you have herpes, your partner will want to be reassured that they won't catch herpes from you. Try to reassure them that if you follow all the correct safety precautions, the chances of passing on the condition are very slim. They might need to be reassured again from time to time, so be positive and helpful whenever you can.
If your partner has herpes, they'll probably want to be reassured that you aren't going to leave or reject them because of their STI. Though it can be a little nerve-wracking to find out your partner has herpes, there's really nothing to worry about if, once again, you follow all the right safety precautions. They don't want to pass herpes on to you and will most likely be ready to do whatever it is to have safe sex - so be understanding.
How to Maintain Intimacy if One Partner Has Herpes
The fact of the matter is, if your partner has herpes you won't be able to have sexual contact at a moment's notice and will have to abstain for up to three weeks at a time when they're experiencing an outbreak. You'll also have to be very cautious and thorough when it comes to safe sex.
For some, having to plan around outbreaks can take some of the romance out of the situation - and some find that sex suffers due to the fear of passing on the condition, even when your sex is very safe.
It can take some practice to maintain intimacy when a partner has herpes, but plenty of couples manage it.
1. Use Protection to Build Confidence
The more you practice safe sex when a partner has herpes, the more confident you'll feel doing it in the future. Condoms and dental dams provide a good level of protection as long as they cover the entirety of the infected area.
Though it can take a while to get the hang of ensuring you're using them properly and covering everything that needs to be covered, the more you do it the easier it'll become. It may feel at first like it's interrupting the flow of things, but it'll soon become second nature.
It's also better to slightly interrupt the flow of sex than to get herpes - it'll only feel like an interruption for a little while.
2. Explore Non-Sexual Forms of Intimacy
Don't forget all the non-sexual things you can do as a couple. Sex is obviously fun and helps build intimacy - but there are loads of things that are also fun, and build intimacy just as well. There are three main kinds of intimacy that people usually refer to when talking about non-sexual intimacy.
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Firstly, you have physical intimacy, good examples of which include hugging, cuddling, holding hands, and massages. It's all about being physically close, which is a great way to build a connection. Kissing is another example, but depending on the type of herpes involved in your relationship, kissing might not always be an option.
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Secondly, you have emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy can be built by being honest, open, and vulnerable around each other, and sharing feelings and experiences. This all contributes to a feeling of safety that you can express your feelings without worry.
- Thirdly, there's intellectual intimacy. This is all about stimulating each other intellectually by sharing interests and values and working through ideas together. Intellectual intimacy is built by being curious about your partner and relationship and working together to take the time to learn about and from one another.
Going on dates is a fantastic way to work on all three of these forms of intimacy. Even the classic combo of dinner and a movie gives you a chance to be physically close, converse about each other's interests, share an experience, share feelings about that experience, and ask questions relating the experience to your lives.
3. Plan Around Outbreaks
Though the more you plan sex, the less romantic and spontaneous it can sometimes feel, it's worth it when herpes is involved. Herpes outbreaks vary a lot between people, and can end up being quite spontaneous themselves - this guarantees you won't be working like clockwork regardless.
This is why having a slightly more vague plan can help. Come up with a few ideas of things you can do when your partner has outbreaks, and what you can do when they're not having any herpes symptoms. You don't have to exactly plan out your sex and other activities (in many cases this is actually impossible) but just having an idea can help you feel more in control.
4. Focus on Mutual Pleasure
Since you're going to be having less sex, you might feel the need to have the best sex possible so that it feels worth the wait. While trying to have the most mind-blowing sex every session can lead to worries you're not making the most of your outbreak-free time, focusing on trying to improve just a little bit is almost always a worthy endeavor - and it's usually very possible.
One of the best ways to improve your sex is to focus on mutual pleasure.
One-sided pleasure isn't going to cut it - you don't want to be left waiting and feeling unfulfilled. Mutual pleasure is all about making sure both parties are experiencing enough of what they want. Communication is key here - don't be afraid to talk about things or ask for something specific.
However, it's still important not to treat sex as a transaction. An exact balance of give and take isn't always possible; what's more important is making sure you're both fulfilled by what you're doing together. Avoid making your partner feel as though they owe you anything, as pressure can turn things sour. Manage your expectations, and be open to communication.
5. Seek Professional Advice Together
Some people are averse to seeing a relationship counselor or sex therapist as it can feel like admitting there's a problem, which can lead to spiraling about the relationship not being right. However, problems aren't the end of the world - all couples face issues at some point, and working together to address them maturely can make you both happier and bring you closer together.
To address a problem, you first have to admit there is one.
Feeling unfulfilled in your sex life because herpes is getting in the way of maintaining intimacy is definitely a problem, but it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker or anything. Seeking professional advice can be daunting, but it can really help shift your perspective and manage any issues.
What is Herpes?
If you've found yourself reading this article, you probably already know what herpes is. If you aren't fully clued up though, do not fret - in this section we've put together a quick quide to the condition.
Oral Herpes VS Genital Herpes
Herpes is a condition caused by the herpes simplex virus - HSV. There are two main types of herpes:
| TYPE OF HERPES | HOW IS IT SPREAD |
| Herpes Type 1 (HSV-1) | Spread through oral contact and causes infections around and inside the mouth - oral herpes, or cold sores. |
| Herpes Type 2 (HSV-2) | Spreads through sexual contact, causing infections around the genitals - genital herpes. |
While only HSV-1 can cause oral herpes, both HSV-1 and HSV-2 can cause genital herpes.
It's a very common condition. The World Health Organization estimates that 64.2 percent of adults under 50 are infected with HSV-1 - that's 3.8 billion people worldwide. That percentage is lower for HSV-2 - around 13.3 percent. That sounds low, but it's still 519.5 million people. As most herpes virus infections are either asymptomatic or are not recognized, the true figures could be even larger.
Causes of Herpes
Herpes is spread from person to person very easily. You can contract the virus by coming into contact with herpes sores, infected areas of skin (including the mouth, genitals, and anus), saliva from an infected person, or the genital fluids of an infected person.
While it can be spread through skin-to-skin contact as well as contact with sex toys, herpes generally cannot be spread through contact with objects unless they're covered in saliva or genital fluids.
Symptoms of Herpes
According to WHO, most people who are infected with HSV have mild symptoms or are asymptomatic. This causes problems as many people are unaware they're infected, meaning they could easily pass the virus on.
The most well known symptom of herpes is sores, ulcers or blisters around the site of infection.
These sores are often painful, and occur during outbreaks, the rate of which varies from person to person. Before an outbreak occurs, most people experience an itching or tingling sensation.
With genital herpes, the sores occur on or around the genitals or anus, and with oral herpes, they occur on, in, or around the mouth and lips. Outbreaks tend to have certain triggers - some common triggers include, stress, illness, fatigue, sunlight, menstruation, and surgery.
When first infected, common symptoms include fever, swollen lymph nodes, and aches and pains. The symptoms of the initial herpes outbreak are usually more severe than outbreaks that happen afterwards.
Herpes Treatments and Prevention
While there is no cure for herpes, there are treatments that allow it to be managed - known as suppressive therapy - which includes antiviral medications and painkillers. Generally, when you first visit a doctor, you'll be given a brief course of medication to soothe your symptoms the first time they occur - this is initial treatment.
After this, you'll either receive intermittent treatment, where you're given medication to take when you have an outbreak to decrease the severity of symptoms, or suppressive treatment, where you take daily medication to suppress the number of outbreaks you experience.
Herpes can be prevented by avoiding contact with infected areas of skin, or bodily fluids from someone who is infected with the virus.
This includes avoiding kissing and abstaining from sexual contact during an outbreak, or if the infected person is experiencing any symptoms. When not experiencing an outbreak, always make sure you use a condom or dental dam during vaginal, anal, or oral sex.
When To See a Doctor
Unfortunately, the mild or asymptomatic nature of most herpes infections can make it hard to know when to see a doctor. Both the American Sexual Health Association and Planned Parenthood recommend seeing a doctor at first sight of any sores or lesions, regardless of where they are - but especially if they're on or around the mouth, genitals, or anus. You can also take an at-home test, but we'd suggest visiting a doctor regardless of the outcome.
Sex With Herpes: FAQs
Here's a collection of some of the most commonly asked questions we've found about herpes - we'll be answering them all in this quick-fire round
What can I not do with herpes?
If you have herpes, you should avoid skin-to-skin contact with the infected area if you have any symptoms (including but not limited to tingling, itching, or sores) or if you are currently experiencing an outbreak. This includes avoiding kissing if you have oral herpes, and sexual contact if you have genital herpes. You should also avoid sharing objects that have come into contact with your saliva or genital fluids.
How do married couples deal with herpes?
Married couples deal with herpes in various ways. Most couples deal with herpes with a combination of antiviral medication, honest and open communication, professional advice, and lots of patience. When it comes to sex, using protection such as condoms and dental dams is a must, even when taking antivirals, and when not experiencing symptoms or an outbreak.
How to date with herpes?
Dating when you have a herpes diagnosis can be very similar to dating without it. The only difference is that you'll have to tell whoever you're dating about your herpes before you kiss or have sex, depending on the type. You don't need to bring it up right away - we'd suggest sitting down for a calm, open conversation after you've spent some time getting to know someone.
Is having herpes a dealbreaker?
Herpes should not be a dealbreaker when it comes to dating, sex, and relationships. Though it can require extra patience and effort, many people dealing with herpes are in fulfilling romantic and sexual relationships. Though the condition has a negative stigma surrounding it, there really isn't anything to worry about as long as you offer reassurance, carefully follow the right safety precautions, and try not to take any hesitation personally.
Can you sleep with someone with herpes and not get it?
You can sleep with someone who has herpes and not contract the virus, as long as you're careful. Do not sleep with anyone who is experiencing any symptoms (even mild ones), or is experiencing an outbreak. Even if someone is free of symptoms or is taking medication, always use protection during sex by using a condom or dental dam to cover the areas of the skin where infections appear. Additionally, avoid sharing sex toys and other objects that have come into contact with the infected person's saliva or genital fluids.
Is herpes contagious all the time?
Unfortunately, herpes can be contagious all the time. Though it is more contagious during an outbreak or when there are visible sores, it can still be spread when someone isn't experiencing symptoms. This is why it's so important to be careful and avoid skin-to-skin contact as well as avoiding objects that have come into contact with the saliva or genital fluids of someone with herpes.
Guide to Sex With Herpes: Summary
Though herpes is with you for life, having it doesn't mean you'll need to abstain from sex for the rest of your days. You'll need to avoid it when experiencing symptoms and outbreaks - and you'll have to always use protection, even if you're currently symptomatic - but it's perfectly possible to have a fulfilling and healthy sex life while dealing with the condition.
Though antiviral medications can make it easier to deal with the condition, medication doesn't necessarily make it easier to tell a partner about your herpes, or to maintain intimacy while working around it.
When discussing herpes, always be respectful and reassuring, and make sure you have the facts on hand.
Always remember that sex isn't the only form of intimacy present in a relationship. Even when you're avoiding sex, you can still cuddle, go on dates, and get closer by engaging with and learning about each other's interests and ideas. If you're struggling, it can sometimes be a great idea to seek professional help for some outside assistance. Herpes will have an impact on it, we promise that your sex life is far from over.
